Even Roses Have Thorns

[tweetmeme source=”joliea” only_single=false]

This is going to be short.

I am only human. Am I making apologies for that? No. But am I acknowledging the fact that I can make mistakes? Yes.

The reason I am making this post is to vent.

Definitions of vent on the Web:

  • give expression or utterance to; “She vented her anger”; “The graduates gave vent to cheers”

I am frustrated. And its not just me, my boss too. Why? I AM INNEFFICIENT! Yes. It may look all rosy on the outside, but enyewe I have no one to blame but ME! I don’t like negative words so I avoid them as much as I can. But at this point I am trying as much as possible to resist shouting to myself and hitting my head on the wall whilst saying “STUPID!! STUPID!! STUPID!!”.

I have no idea why I did this to myself and upto now I am still trying to figure it out.

Ok, so why am I inefficient? Here’s the thing. I was given like the umpteenth chance to redeem myself at work. And when I say umpteenth I do mean umpteenth!!! Probably my immediate superior will read this and wonder kwani what the hell I was doing when all those words were being hurled at me! Its a new position and I need to make it relevant. I am taking up stuff already being handled by others and God knows that isn’t easy. I am so frustrated and angry at myself. SO ANGRY. Yea yea, this is kinda public and kinda personal but hey…its me! This is whats happening. I am mad. Mad angry. And I haven’t the slightest clue how I am gonna fair the next coupla days! Huh!

Okay, I need to stop. We do have our crazy moments at times. This one is mine. And I am sharing it with the whole world. People who know me will now wonder if they knew me. Yes. I am innefficient. Yes. I am lazy. Yes. I am stupid. Yes. I am down. Yes, I am inexperienced. Then why the hell do I have this job? Why the hell do I still have YET ANOTHER CHANCE?????

Reason??? They see something in me. They see potential. They see my brilliance. They see my uniqueness. They see my smartness. You know what? This kinda reminds me of some episodes of America’s Next Top Model. Where Tyra and the rest of the judges would call up a girl on judging day and tell her how she’s so pretty and has all this potential yet she has nothing to show for it. I feel like those girls now. I feel inadequate. I feel horrible. No, don’t console me. I need to feel this. I have to. Its the only way I can get it through my head.

And me? Do I think I have potential? Yes! I do believe I am smart and I have what it takes. I am the one who suggested the position in the first place. I felt it. I have the passion for the organisation. Why doesn’t it show? I have no clue. Imagine that! What kind of a person am I? You must be thinking I am such an instable person. What kind of a mad woman goes in public and cries to the world her frustrations???? Sheesh!! yes. I do think I can do it. Why I am not reeeeallly doing it…now thats the question I need to go ask myself.

I plan to go home today and bang my head in the wall a few times. Maybe like 50 times. Maybe then my apparent brilliance will bounce back. No, I’m not mental. I am fine. Just need a wall and some space. Oh and bandages too. Those will come in handy. I am not laughing. I wish I could.

So why vent like this? Why now? My contract ends soon. I cannot forget those words.

You are butterfly. Pretty but does absolutely NOTHING.

Harsh? Yes, why not. Let it be this way. Let it even be more. I am stupid. I need theraypy. No, a few hundred bangs on the head might do the trick. Then pick me at Nairobi Hospital and I will be good to go.

Am I a fake? I claim to be brilliant. To be creative. To be smarter than I think. To be multi-talented. So many other things. Where is all this? Where is the proof? My former boss may say something about it, but now, come to think of it, maybe she cant. Maybe she was like “phew! Good riddance” when I quit.

I will get back on my feet. And I have to do it fast. I know I said this will be short. Yes, apparently I am a liar too.
But not to worry. Tomorrow is another day. I always believe that I don’t carry forward vents of the yester. Maybe thats a lie too.

Maybe not.

All I know is that at this moment in time. I just want to go home and bury my head in the sand. Maybe a pizza will cheer me up. I wish I had booked it in time. Or a cup of coffee I was offered by a friend. But I wouldnt be any good company at this state.
Bla bla bla. I have blabbered. This is me. This is the real me. I am naïve. I am young. I am learning. I know nothing. Don’t be fooled.

Even roses have thorns and fade away in days.

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9 Responses to “Even Roses Have Thorns”

  1. David Says:

    Hi Dear,
    I will not say it in my words because Brian Tracy sent me this email back then in August 2009. I hope its helpful.
    Be strong. Be very strong in your mind
    Kind regards
    @ujenzibora

    Fortune Favors the Brave
    By: Brian Tracy

    Boldness is a necessary part of courage but it must be a boldness based on an intelligent assessment of the potential risks and rewards. The wonderful nature of boldness is that, properly directed, it builds the habit of courage in the person who practices it.

    Act Boldly in Every Situation
    In my experience, any virtue translated into action leads almost invariably to positive results. This applies to integrity, persistence, courtesy, love and courage. I’ve always liked the advice of an old man to his grandson. “Act boldly and unseen forces will come to your aid.”

    Take a Leap of Faith
    Perhaps the most obviously important part of courage is the courage to step out in the face of uncertainty. Every great venture in the history of man has begun with faith and a giant leap into the unknown.

    General Douglas MacArthur said, “There is no security in life, only opportunity.” The creed of Frederick The Great, one of history’s most successful leaders was, “Audacity, audacity-always audacity.”

    Launch With No Guarantees
    A 12-year study of successful entrepreneurs conducted by Babson College concluded that the only thing they had in common was the willingness to launch, to step out in faith. Once they had started, they learned the lessons they needed to succeed. Many of them ending up successful in completely different businesses from where they started.

    Dare to Go Forward
    Dare to go forward. Successful companies are invariably those that continue to research, develop, experiment and introduce new products and services – even during the deepest recessions. Successful executives are those who are continually stretching themselves to move out of the comfort zone, to face the twin fears of failure and rejection and to move forward in spite of them.

    Action Exercises
    Here are two ways to develop greater boldness in your work and personal life.

    First, just do it! Step out in faith! If you think of some action you can take to improve your life, give it a try. You may be surprised.

    Second, when in doubt, act with audacity. Audacity may get you into trouble but even more audacity will get you out. Go for it!

    • Joliea Says:

      Thanks a million for this Nahinga!

      to face the twin fears of failure and rejection

      I believe i have to work on the above :-/ *sigh*

      Thanks again. Much appreciated.

  2. Denis Nzioka Says:

    I had a chance to read this two three times and for once I felt like you (without the make-up or skirt) but it felt so magnetic and pulled me in in your world of cacophony emotions and subtle despair.

    I would try and take things slowly. Is taking leave from it all a possibility so that you can think things through? Is talking to your superiors one on one off the record another way to deal with this?

    Or, like me, you pen your resignation letter, throw caution to the wind and decide come what may I will fuck it all?

    Maybe talking to someone close may help.

    I think you are brilliant and hardworking and amazing but we all fall short in certain areas that are sadly easily recognized by others. What we need is to take things with a pinch of salt, wipe the tears and mend that disappointed heart.

    I have been there (remember my drama with you-know-who?) but I later, after taking some time off, that I still needed him as much as I did him. And we mended fences over a nice lunch. Of course we talked over my mistakes and shortcomings at work and painful as it was, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

    Do not worry. There is tomorrow for that.

    P.S. Chances are if you hit a brick wall 50 times, you will sleep forever. I wouldn’t want that as I am yet to get under your pants. (O)-:

    Cheers!

    • Joliea Says:

      Thanks Denis. We will talk soon.

  3. Raymond Says:

    I so hope ur boss doesnt scour the internet looking for “stuff” to read as the rest of you mere mortals work hard for her glory!!! Should she read this,then my dear, you are trouble! Gr8 read, from a Gr8 blogger!

  4. Wyndago Says:

    First, @ujenzibora that article was useful to me, hopefuly it was to joliea too.
    Joliea look.. you remind me of me, calm down and get a hold of yaself. You’re NOT stupid, you’re NOT inefficient! Dont say that shit even if its to make u feel better. It dont help! Stay focused young girl. Unfortunately i dont have anything better to say right now.

    • Joliea Says:

      Thanks Wyndago. I had to let it out. Believe me, am better now 🙂

  5. cdohnio Says:

    I saw this post while on my sick bed and had to come comment no matter that its almost a week later. Anyway I’m sure you’ll do okay, we’re all rooting for you! Be strong!

    • Joliea Says:

      Thanks dear. Am very much okay now. Making progress!


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